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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25785430">Life Makes Love Look Hard</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleepy_sendhelp/pseuds/sleepy_sendhelp'>sleepy_sendhelp</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Herongraystairs <3 [10]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Infernal Devices Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Background Relationships, F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, Mundane!AU</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 08:21:40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>15,568</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25785430</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleepy_sendhelp/pseuds/sleepy_sendhelp</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>After a devastating loss, Will is forced to move out of his home. A year after, he’s writing a new book and meets a second chance at love in the form of Tessa Gray, his new copy editor. But when old loves return, and lives are endangered, can Will dare to dream of a happy ever after?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jem Carstairs/Tessa Gray, Jem Carstairs/Tessa Gray/Will Herondale, Jem Carstairs/Will Herondale, Tessa Gray/Will Herondale</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Herongraystairs <3 [10]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1810132</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>40</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. PROLOGUE</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Come on now, eat! You filthy cat.” Will clicked his tongue at the stubborn cat. The cat was unfazed, truly a bastard isn’t he?  </p><p>“You’re not the only one who misses him you know?” Church didn’t budge. </p><p>“You know what? Go ahead and die then, I don’t care. I’m sure Jem will forgive me.” Ever since Jem left for work, it had been a daily struggle trying to keep his cat alive. If Will had his way, he’d let the sharp-clawed demon loose and be content never to see him again, but his partner’s disapproving gaze and chiding tone seemed to linger at the back of his brain whenever he thought about following through with releasing the cat. </p><p>Will sighed and placed the bowl of cat food near the couch. He doesn’t know why he still tries, it’s been 5 months of Jem’s continued absence, and never once has Church eaten his food on time. He suspects it’s to spite him so he couldn’t do all the dishes at once. Will looks mournfully at the scratches on his arms, born from all the wars lost with trying to bathe the furry gray nuisance on the windowsill. It’s been hard trying to keep a consistent routine without anyone there to set him straight and remind him why vacuuming was beneficial, especially with a cat in the house. </p><p>And of course, he misses him terribly. When the cold and lonely nights catch up to him, his quiet phone never ceases to disappoint him. Why did his boyfriend have to go and be a hero? Honestly you’d think someone as gentle and soft spoken as him wouldn’t be— </p><p> </p><p>“Breaking News: Valentine and Sebastian Morgenstern of the Morgenstern Crime Family have been arrested and taken into custody by the NCA. The Germany-based mafia was exposed with the help of an inside source...” Will stared at the telly, he couldn’t believe it. Jem was coming home. </p><p>He opened his mouth and turned to the windowsill, only to find it empty. His brows furrowed, but relaxed as he saw Church eating his food beside the couch. He huffed softly. </p><p>“Hey you hellspawn, Jem’s coming home now.” He whispered, the smile growing on his face was the most genuine one in months. Church meowed in agreement and went back to eating. </p><p>He faced the telly again, but was too elated to try and listen to Marisol Garza and Jon Cartwright talk about the finer details of the news. He blocked the noise with fantasies of what he’d say and do to Jem once he gets home. Would he rush towards him, tackling him in a fierce embrace with a kiss on the forehead and then on the lips while Jem drops his bags in surprise? Or will he act nonchalant and let Jem shower him in affection and apologies for the mission taking longer than it should have? His thoughts, which were admittedly taking a rather, indecent turn considering the time of day —- he hadn’t got some in months, sue him —- were interrupted by a knock on his door. </p><p>Will panicked. He hadn’t bathed yet, and he was wearing old and ratty clothes, would he greet Jem like this after 5 months of being away? He considered running to the bedroom for a quick change and to gargle a bit but another set of knocking diminished all his previous thoughts. He can look good for Jem later, right now he just misses him. </p><p>He makes his way to the door, cursing when he almost tripped over Church who raced to the door as well, and flung the door open —- momentarily forgetting what Jem said about using the peephole —-  to find Emma Carstairs and Julian Blackthorn outside, looking weary and apprehensive. He ignored the nervous thump of his heart at the lack of Jem, he was probably gearing up for a dramatic entrance, what can he say? He’s rubbed off on him after three years. </p><p>He spoke levelly, “Where’s James?” </p><p>At the mention of his name, the couple’s shoulders slacked. </p><p>“We’re so sorry— “ Julian was interrupted when Emma leapt for Will and sobbed on his chest. </p><p>“He’s gone, he’s gone, I’m so sorry Will...” None of their words made sense, Will felt numb. </p><p>His arms went to hug Emma, trying to comfort her with robotic motions. Everything felt wrong. He couldn’t fathom the idea of Jem dying. He knew what his job entailed, but James Carstairs was one of the smartest, strongest, and most skilled field agents of the NCA; which was why he was assigned with Julian and Emma to go undercover. It just doesn’t make sense. He always came out alive. Sometimes battered, a lot of times bruised, never not exhausted, but always, always alive. </p><p>Julian’s sorrowful look was ignored as he ushered them inside. He was uncharacteristically quiet as he made them tea and they told him what went down. There was a shootout. They made the arrest but the Morgensterns burned down their headquarters. They heard a gunshot while Jem was left inside as the building burned to the ground, his body never found. </p><p>“He could still be alive,” Will said, swallowing his scalding tea and feeling nothing. </p><p>“We’ve looked everywhere, tried everything, nothing.” Julian shook his head, he held the mug in his hands but the tea was untouched. </p><p>“Maybe you missed something, you were tired from the assignment.” He knew he was grasping at straws, they were some of the best agents out there — Especially Emma and Julian together — if they missed anything, he couldn’t imagine anyone else finding Jem. Still. </p><p>“It’s been a month.” Emma’s voice was quiet and hoarse. She was leaning against Julian and her drink was on the table, untouched as well. </p><p> </p><p>They sat in silence until the skies darkened. </p><p> </p><p>——————————————————-</p><p> </p><p>The weather was too pleasant for a funeral. </p><p>The sun was out, there was a gentle breeze about, and the cemetery was filled with media reporters who wore clothes that were much too bright to be considered respectful, emphasizing the fact that this funeral was held just for show. The casket was empty, and the photo on display was one of him in uniform. He looked dignified, respectable, and utterly attractive of course, —- but that soldier wasn’t the Jem that Will knew. That wasn’t the man he woke up next to for three years, not the man who erratically bought him flowers for no other reason than he just wanted to, and definitely not the man who stayed up with him and played him violin when he woke up in the middle of the night, mourning the death of his sister he’d mistakenly blamed himself for. It was a grand charade. Even the Queen was here, speaking about Jem’s service as if she knew him at all. </p><p> </p><p>If he was a lesser man, Will would’ve thrown a fit or maybe would refuse to attend at all, but he was not. All he could do was sit at the back, brush off condolences from several of Jem’s coworkers and pointedly avoided the curious looks of the reporters who might have recognized him.  </p><p>Church purred beside him, a black ribbon tied around his neck. He was alert, surveying the area. Will felt compelled to do so too, but knew it was pointless. He looked ahead and spaced out until the service ended. </p><p> </p><p>“Will” The Director-General looked at him, uneasy. She seemed at a loss for words, her eyes were red-rimmed. This must not have been her first time losing an agent, but he knew that Aline and Jem were close friends. She may be tough, but she was still human. Somewhere behind her, he saw a head of fair hair laid on Julian’s shoulder with Emma in her arms as well. </p><p>“Yeah?” </p><p>“Jem left this for you.” She handed him a sealed envelope, the sight of the familiar stationery and wax seal made his heart hurt. It was one of those silly cartoon ones they bought after Will broke down at the sight of Jem after he went undercover the first time when they had first been together. He promised to write to him when he can, and give him the letters himself when he got home. Will swallowed at the sight of it in someone else’s hand. He took it, muttered his thanks and walked away to hide behind a tree. Church followed behind him. </p><p>He rested his head on the trunk and took slow, deep breaths. He wasn’t going to cry. He didn’t even remember the last time he cried; he didn’t cry when he felt crushing guilt for not stopping the wolves from the forest as he watched screaming and helpless, while they mauled his sister at their farm. He didn’t cry when Jem took him on a date to a forest for a hike where he found out what happened, and all the repressed trauma threw Will into a panic attack, so he wasn’t going to cry at a fake funeral. </p><p>Jem was alive and this spongebob stationery was going to prove it. </p><p>He exhaled and delicately broke the seal, as his mind was flooded with memories of watching that kids’ show with Jem while doing things on the couch that kids didn’t do. </p><p>He slid down and settled on the grass. </p><p> </p><p>“Will, </p><p>I might not make it in time for our anniversary, I’m sorry. I can’t go home until I’m worthy of you, until all of this is finished. There is more to uncover, but we’re making our move later. I don’t know if I’ll make it out alive, but you know I’ll come back from the dead just for you. </p><p>I need to ask you a huge favour, I need you to move far away from our home. I need you safe please. I’m in deep, and I took all necessary precautions but I can’t rest knowing that you’re in the same place I left you, where you’ll be vulnerable. Take care of Church for me okay? I love you, and I’ll see you when all of this blows over. </p><p>Love, Jem.”</p><p> </p><p>Will gaped at the letter, he turned it upside down and nothing else fell out. Jem didn’t write like this. The penmanship was one Will knew, but the words were another story. He dreaded to read letters like these because Jem always thinks he’s on the brink of death, his letters were always long and thoughtful, and more fitting for last words that the current one he held in his hand. </p><p>Something was amiss. </p><p>Hope started to bloom in his chest, he stood up and almost tripped on Church, the cat looked at him curiously. He raced to find Emma, she was still with Julian but Helen was nowhere within his sight. He slowed down to a halt once he reached the pair. </p><p>They looked at him, and then at each other. Will seemed to have come back to life, his eyes bright with excitement. </p><p>“He’s alive.” He pants. </p><p>“What do you mean?” Emma warily asked. He handed her the letter. Julian read it with her over her shoulder. They only looked at him in pity. </p><p>“Oh, Will.” </p><p>“What?” </p><p>“The lab results came in today, Jem’s DNA was found on an unidentified corpse.” </p><p>He looked at them in disbelief. </p><p>“That doesn’t mean anything.” </p><p>“There were no evidence to suggest he was able to escape. We came back to look for him ourselves after putting the Morgensterns into custody. There were no clues or hidden messages. I’m sorry Will.” He looked at Julian as he explained, his newfound hope disappeared as fast as it appeared. </p><p>“Jem was right though,” Emma broke the silence. “You should move, the Morgensterns and their operation may have been put away, but they still have powerful allies everywhere. It’s not safe for you to stay.”</p><p>Will distantly felt Emma squeezing his hand, but his mind had gone blank. </p><p> </p><p>———————————————————-</p><p>He didn’t know how he got home, but somehow he did. </p><p>The door was unlocked, but Will could not find it in himself to care. Let them find him, bring him to where Jem was or kill him, he didn’t care. </p><p> </p><p>He did care however, when he opened the lights and found his flat ransacked, a printed note on the table. </p><p>“We’ll spare you, just this once. Don’t go looking.” </p><p>It would not have been the last straw, if not for the broken violin. </p><p> </p><p>Will wept.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Come find me on tumblr! My writing blog is @sleepie-scribbles and my main is @sleepy-sendhelp</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Year After</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Will faces the world a year after Jem’s death.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I don’t know much about what’s up with other countries, all I know is that everything is going to shit and I wish I lived in any of the countries with female government leaders who handled the pandemic effectively. Week 3 of (very impersonal, full of work load, and yt links) online school is killing me and my motivation to review for pending entrance exams, can we please please dismantle capitalism so I can study for the sake of learning? Myghad.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Will awoke with a weight on his chest. He suspects it’s not Church, and his suspicions were confirmed at the absence of a fuzzy bother that usually obscured his vision in the morning. </p><p>The grief of losing Jem hit him like a freight train that bore down on him at the best of times, and consumed him whole like a raging sea at the worst of times. The crippling waves of despair crested and ebbed away sporadically, which either left Will gasping for breath at the sight of Jem’s remaining hoodie or staring blankly at violinists who played on the streets. </p><p>It had been a year since finding out that Jem won’t ever be coming home. Sometimes Will forgot about the fact, and occasionally came back to his new flat screaming “honey I’m home!” only to be met with a startled hiss. But today, it was as clear as day. </p><p> </p><p>The shrill ringing of his phone broke him out of his trance. </p><p>“What?” His gruff greeting was met with an unimpressed hum. </p><p>“Good morning to you too, I suppose.” </p><p>“You can’t blame me, you’re calling at an hour the Angel has abandoned.” He replies, ignoring the glaring sunlight that entered past his drawn curtains. There was a scoff from the other side of the line. Despite himself, his mouth twitched upwards as their conversation lulled. </p><p> </p><p>“How are you?” Will looked at the clothes strewn about his room —- some were matted with fur, and others were stained with not so mysterious substances; a quick peek through his ajar door gave him a view of the amassed mountain of dishes on the sink. </p><p>Will leaned back on his bed. </p><p>“I’m doing fine.” </p><p>“Really?” a derisive response for someone expressing concern. He rolled his eyes and started picking at the fleece blanket on his lap. </p><p> </p><p>“I DON’T THINK SO.” He jerked up in surprise as his door slammed open. </p><p>“WHAT THE HELL CECILY?” His sister stood by the threshold, tapping her foot incessantly. </p><p>“‘Doing fine’ my ass, how do you explain the stinking cat litter then, Gwilym?” If not for her restless stance, her imperious frown would have made her an exact replica of their mother whenever she scolded her children. Will shivered at the onslaught of memories. Linette Herondale was rarely furious, but when she was, she tended to leave an impression. </p><p>“I’ll have you know that ‘fine’ is a— “ </p><p>“relative term.” She finished for him, “Don’t get smart with me.” She tutted. </p><p>With that, she breached his quarters and proceeded to yank him off his bed. He stumbled after his sister and they started cleaning the living room. </p><p> </p><p>—————————————————————————————————</p><p> </p><p>Cecily peered at her brother through her glass of orange juice. He looked alright, if not a little doleful which is a given, considering today’s date. </p><p>Will was equal parts eating and toying with his breakfast, which was better than not eating his food at all. He seemed unbothered by the bustling of various people entering and exiting the diner they were in ——  the startled little jerks due to his close proximity to the door was the sole thing assuring Cecily that her brother was still on the same plane. </p><p>“I have been doing fine you know,” She was startled out of her staring contest with the bacon on her plate when her brother spoke suddenly, “considering... “ he bit his lip and stared off into the distance once more. Cecily let out a gentle exhale, her heart hurting for her brother who was trying his best not to drown in his grief.</p><p>“That’s good. I’m glad you’re doing well.” She reached across the table to touch his hand. She got a squeeze and a weary smile in return. They continued eating in relative silence, with Cecily trying not to let her concern ooze out of her. </p><p>“How’s the Lightworm?” the half-hearted glare he recieved only fueled his cheeky grin. His sister placed the desert menu back on the table and sighed, exasperated and well-aware of her brother’s long-standing petty feud with her boyfriend. </p><p>“He’s... well, he’s coping, and he’s off to Spain with Gideon two days from now to arrange some family property or whatever.” She answered after a pointed pause, which did not help deterring her brother, whose expression tamed at the news. He patted her hand sympathetically. </p><p>“Benedict,” Will started, his voice dropping to match the sage look in his eyes. “is a dick.” He finished. Cecily snorted and slapped the hand that was patting hers, he withdrew it with a look of mock hurt. </p><p>“Don’t be rude!” </p><p>“Cariad, there is no offense to be taken because everyone is aware of that truth, none more so than those two.” He spoke quickly so as not to be interrupted by his unamused sister who reached over the table to pinch his arm. </p><p>“Aren’t you glad your prospective,” he shivered for effect, “father-in-law is away in jail therefore ceasing your dear lover’s worries about his deeds and whereabouts?” Cecily swatted at the insistent fingers poking her. </p><p>“I am, but I don’t intend on being so ill-mannered about it” she said in between grunts, dodging and batting at the onslaught of attacks. </p><p>“Then I shall be ill-mannered for the both of us!” He stood and proclaimed. Half of the diner looked at him in surprise, while the other half seemed not to hear his unprompted bellow. Cecily shook her head and attempted to shrink into her seat. She glared at Will as he sat back down. </p><p>“You’re ridiculous.” She stated firmly. </p><p> </p><p>———————————————————————————————</p><p> </p><p>“Oh I have to take this. “ Cecily pulled the trilling phone out of her bag, lightly punching Will’s arm and exiting the bookstore. Will rolled his eyes. One look at his sister trying to bite her smile told him all he needed to know, Gabriel was calling. He scoffed and strolled around the aisles. </p><p> </p><p>He remembered a time when his phone would ring and the same look would dawn on his face. It was a long time ago, an era long past, his heavy heart reminded him so. He sighed as his eyes slid over multiple spines with titles as bland as his sister’s boyfriend. </p><p>There weren’t too many people in the bookstore, he notices, as the afternoon sun heads home and leaves its last traces on the shadows it painted by the floors. Most of the patrons had their noses buried in books, and that in and of itself should not be surprising, he was in a bookstore after all. However, a movement down the aisle caught his eye. A woman looked balefully at a book, and if the book had not been inanimate, Will would’ve assumed that a fight was going to break out in the middle of the serene store. </p><p>He watched discreetly as he saw her furrow her brows, the conflict was clear on her face. Probably contemplating if she should buy the book. Will shook his head, he’d be wasting his time if he waited for the woman to make up her mind. </p><p>His eyes started lazily sweeping through the place once more, Cecily was still outside, talking animatedly into her phone with a wide smile and her flushed cheeks on display for the whole world to see how in love she was. For that, he’s happy for her, but he’s also bored out of his mind. The woman was still locked in her dilemma and there seem to be even less people around. Will sighed and continued watching to see what she’ll do. </p><p>He saw her resolve weaken just as he got a brilliant idea. </p><p>Will started whistling a jaunty tune as he power-walked towards the woman, stealing the book just as she reached for it. </p><p>“Hey!”</p><p>Will feigned surprise as he forced himself to jerk back towards her as if startled. She was looking at him, all disgruntled and cute. She stood taller than most women, and would be looming over him with that glower, if his stature had not matched hers. </p><p>“Yes?”</p><p>“That’s my book!”</p><p>Will made a show of inspecting the book in his hand. A Tale of Two Cities, first edition. He turned it over and pretended to skim through the details. </p><p>“I don’t see your name on it.” He replied slowly, keeping the smirk off his face. </p><p>“I was going to grab it.” She crossed her arms. She looked ready to take him on if need be, and she should be, given how long she contemplated over getting the book, Will mused. This made him want the book more. He was sure that she already had a copy of it, and only coveted the one in his hands because it’s first edition. </p><p> </p><p>“Well, I got it first, so I guess it’s mine now.” He beamed at her, and she looked put-off for a split second before she resumed her previous stance. She opened her mouth several times, but could not find the words for a satisfying retort.</p><p> She sputtered instead, “you’re rude!” </p><p>He shrugged. “And what of it?” </p><p>“You barely looked at the book, do you even want it?” </p><p>“How would you know? Have you been staring at my perpetual beauty, and using this poor book as a scapegoat so as not to embarrass yourself? Fear not stranger, I am used to being gawked at.” He raised his hands, as if to placate her. </p><p>The woman huffed angrily and tensed, as if preparing for a stunt. That was when a group of friends started piling on to the narrow cashier where Will darted towards as the woman stomped her foot and called after him. </p><p>He slipped past the lively group and paid for his book first, darting past the frozen, shell-shocked woman and dragging Cecily, who was still on the phone and shrieked in surprise, away from the bookstore. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“What was that?” His sister demanded, as she fumbled to put her phone back in her bag, having to abruptly end the call with Gabriel in favor of not planting face first into the ground, courtesy of Will. </p><p>He smiled innocently, but the panting and his mischief-filled eyes did not fool her. “It was nothing.” He simply replied. </p><p>Surveying the state that her brother was in, excitable and the most alive she’d seen in months, she chose not to inquire further. </p><p> </p><p>————————————————————————- </p><p> </p><p>Cecily killed her engine. They sat in the car for a while, the radio filled the air between them. </p><p>“I had fun today.” Will stated. He was looking out the window with a soft smile curving at his lips. She regarded him, marvelling at his resilience. </p><p>“Good.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Come find me on tumblr! My writing blog is @sleepie-scribbles and my main is @sleepy-sendhelp</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Meeting Tessa</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>just want to let everyone know that I definitely do not live anywhere near the UK. thank. (oh, also that I know nothing about how publishing houses work. Or just the real world in general.)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Will had been smart enough to place his phone out of reach last night. That didn’t stop his sleep-addled brain from wanting to travel back in time and smack his last night’s self into oblivion for putting him through hell today though. </p><p>He elbowed Church, who was hissing and clawing at him —- no doubt very irritated at his wailing alarm, and sat up feeling satisfied at the *thump* of the cat’s body meeting the carpeted floor. Before he could reach his phone, the blaring alarm abruptly stopped and was replaced with shrill ringing. Church marched out of the bedroom. </p><p>“Hello?” </p><p>“Good, you’re awake.” Will raised an eyebrow. He was suddenly tempted to go back to bed.</p><p>“Is that why you’re calling?” </p><p>“As a matter of fact, yes. You best be getting ready for work, and remember to act like a person, not an asshole.” Cecily chuckled at her own joke. Will wasn’t amused. </p><p>“Thanks.” He replied dryly.</p><p>“Don’t forget to eat break fast, alright?” </p><p>“Alright, mum.” Will’s smile took a downward turn at the faint grunt from the other end of the line. His sister spoke before he could open his mouth, </p><p>“Shut up, William.” He could hear hushed speaking, that he thankfully couldn’t decipher. He decided it was time to end the call. </p><p>“Have a good day at work!” Cecily spoke louder, as if she knew her brother’s phone wasn’t held up to his ear anymore. He shook his head and pressed the red button, texting ‘you too’ in lieu of a spoken reply. </p><p> </p><p>—————————————————————————-</p><p> </p><p>The skyscraper loomed over Will as he neared the entryway. Pyxis Publishing was one of the biggest publishing houses in the country, and the one constant that remained throughout the uprooting of his previous life. It wasn’t home, but it was close enough. </p><p> </p><p>The lift was surprisingly empty, with only boring music to accompany him as he made his way towards the designated room. The place was deserted, and the sound of voices coming from one room meant that he didn’t have to check the label on the door too closely before entering. The chatter abruptly stopped as Will felt eyes on him. </p><p>“There you are!” Magnus grinned as he came over to give his shoulder a few friendly pats. Will recognized the seeking way his friend’s eyes roamed over him, as if checking for visual injuries, though he knew he’d find none. He laid a hand on Magnus, squeezing his arm once in what he hoped was a reassuring manner. A significant pause confirmed that it was. </p><p>Charlotte approached him, a maternal look on her face as she pulled him into a brief embrace. Being an author meant that he didn’t have to leave his house often for work, and Will took advantage of the fact especially during the past year —- going by his companions’ tip-toeing around him, he’d say that he wasn’t the only one to make the observation. He bit his lip and gathered them into another brief hug, his hands fluttering over his shirt while he cleared his throat afterwards. Both his companions struggled to hide their delight; Will pretended not to notice.</p><p>The precarious atmosphere remained. Will wracked his brain to come up with anything to break the silence, but a sharp pain on his lower back did the job for him. He yelped and turned around, only to come face to face with a slightly ajar door and apologetic gray eyes that narrowed as they met his. </p><p>Magnus shoved him aside in favor of letting the familiar stranger in. </p><p>“Tessa, dear! You made it!” </p><p>Will watched incredulously as Magnus went to greet the so-called Tessa character. They went to press their cheeks together and make kissy noises, they did the same with the other side. His eyes never left the woman as she shook hands with Charlotte and they all proceeded to take their seats by the huge oak table in the middle of the room. </p><p>They sat across each other and stared. Beside him, Charlotte looked over at Magnus, clearly sensing the tension between Tessa and Will. Having none of it, she stood. </p><p>“Will, as you know, your old copy editor has retired. This is Ms. Tessa Gray, your new copy editor.” </p><p>He inhaled sharply, suddenly remembering the newly purchased book that he’d placed on his nightstand. Clearly, his decisions have come to bite him in the ass. Nevertheless, his disposition shifted into a more charming one. He stood and stretched a hand out. </p><p>“Pleasure to make your acquaintance Ms. Gray.” He recieved a hesitant handshake. Fair enough, he supposes. He sees her consciously bite down a would-be sardonic reply. </p><p>“The pleasure’s all mine. Please, call me Tessa.” A little bit sarcastic and a whole lot hostile, he pleasantly noted. His attention shifted to the challenging look aimed at him. Will feigned innocence.</p><p>They sat down. </p><p>“Now that you’re properly introduced, the only thing left to say is that you’ll be working closely together, and Pyxis Publishing is a family, so I suggest building a good relationship.” The reminder —- containing a stern undertone that did not go unnoticed —- was punctuated with a pointed look. Magnus snickered. </p><p>—————————————————————————-</p><p> </p><p>All day, Tessa had acted nonchalant, and Will went along with it for the privilege of not having to acknowledge anything that transpired between them in the past 24 hours. They’d been to several places across town, following Charlotte’s itinerary that seemed more like a date than something recent co-workers should do when trying to get to know each other. If he had it his way, Will would’ve gone home by now. He’s sure that Tessa feels the same. Alas, you just don’t say no to Charlotte Branwell. Especially when she owns the company you work at. </p><p>Will snuck a look at Tessa. They finally reached the quaint frozen yogurt joint that was painted in pastel colors, after walking along the row of stalls selling tourist knickknacks —— he admits to himself that there were worse ways to spend the day. </p><p>Settling into their table by the window, Will decides to make conversation, if just to appease the sense of discomfort that trailed after them like a heavy cloud the entire day. Repeating his sister’s quip like a mantra, he spoke. </p><p>“So why are you here?” </p><p>Why aren’t reset buttons for real life a thing? </p><p> </p><p>Tessa looked surprised to be addressed. It only added to the guilt at the pit of his stomach. That’s it, he decides. He’ll be better. </p><p>“Why do I... exist?” she asked slowly. Will couldn’t stop the amusement that tugged on his lips. </p><p>“No, I mean why did you choose to work here? Clearly you’re American.” </p><p>“Am I not allowed to?” Tessa’s spoon was halfway to her mouth when she paused to speak, </p><p>“No, I mean— “  Would anyone believe him right now if he said he was an author? A year spent in an almost-solitary state apparently meant losing his people skills. He did recall his amazing ability to piss people off even before his beloved died, he supposed it was just innate. </p><p>“Relax, Will.” He glared at her as she ate another spoonful of frozen yogurt. </p><p>“Magnus told me about it and I thought, ‘why not?’ so I applied for the job and moved here.” She shrugged, as if moving to another continent was no big deal. </p><p>“You didn’t think about what you’d have to leave behind? You just left?” A shadow passed over Tessa’s face, it was gone as quickly as it came. She pushed the strawberries around her cup and looked past his shoulder. </p><p>“No.” And that was that. </p><p>Will leaned back on his seat. He released a lengthy breath. He couldn’t imagine just leaving his life with Jem, but he also knows next to nothing about the woman sat across him. Here were two people starting anew, one who was forced to do so, and another who readily took the opportunity. That was common ground wasn’t it? </p><p>The rest of the evening was filled with small talk but Will was hopeful. For what, he didn’t know. All he knew was that for another day in a row, he’d felt lighter than he had since Jem. He knew he wouldn’t want him to stay in the past, but that was easier said than done. Not when he’d been Will’s whole life for 5 years. </p><p>—————————————————</p><p> </p><p>“Right here is fine, thanks.” Will slowed to a stop. Craning his head to look through his windshield, his suspicions were proven right. </p><p>“This is where you live?” he turned to look at her. </p><p>“Yeah.” Will shifted gears and pressed on the gas. Tessa released a squeak as she was forced to lean back on the seat. </p><p>“What’s happening?” She didn’t taker her eyes off Will, as he entered the building’s garage. </p><p>“I’m parking.” He said simply. Tessa rolled her eyes and huffed, staring straight ahead. </p><p>“May I ask why?” </p><p>“I live here.” Will proceeded to shut down the car. </p><p>“You’re kidding me.” Tessa got off the vehicle, she watched as Will did the same. They headed towards the lift. He pressed the button for her floor and afterwards stepped back so they stood side by side. </p><p>“Aren’t you going to press your floor number?” His brows were furrowed. Tessa gaped at him, was he serious?</p><p>“I apparently don’t have to anymore.” She gestured to the lit up button. Will mirrored her expression. </p><p> </p><p>*ding!* </p><p> </p><p>It was weird, wasn’t it? It probably looked weird to outsiders. Tessa and Will kept eye contact while walking towards their respective flats. When both thought the other would give up on the prank and come clean, they faced different doors and simultaneosly took out their keys. </p><p>Will unlocked his door first. Not that it was a competition. He spun around and found Tessa already facing him. </p><p>“I’ve been here for a year,” Will started, “how come I never saw you?”</p><p>“I moved here three months ago, I thought that flat was unoccupied.” Will looked away, his right fist clenching and unclenching. He stayed silent. Tessa took that as her cue. </p><p>“Well, today wasn’t bad.” He gave her a soft smile. Tessa’s breathing stuttered. </p><p>“No.” he agreed quietly. </p><p>They entered their homes in contemplative silence.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>can anyone tell me the english version of the act of“beso beso” because i can’t y’all—</p><p>also please don’t mind the longer end note “yay a multichap fic” bc keeps appearing under my chapters and i dont know why even though it was only supposed to be for chapter 1 :((((</p><p>Come find me on tumblr! My writing blog is @sleepie-scribbles and my main is @sleepy-sendhelp</p>
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<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Emma</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Will has writer’s block. So do I. Oh, also a babygirl arrives and this chapter took a turn I didn’t know was going to happen :(</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i feel like this is what you call a filler chapter, but also i just need to like... dive in to their dynamic and stuff, you know? Jk i need to figure out where this story is going because I only have the faintest idea HAHAHA (I’m so sorry for another attempt at angst it was necessary, just skip through if it’s too cringy HAHAH)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Will’s office chair tipped over and his laptop tumbled along with him. He laid on the floor of his flat and groaned until Church hissed at him for being noisy. He stopped to roll his eyes at the cat and continued groaning. His teeth and nose throbbed from where his laptop collided with his face, the back of his head felt like it was going to split open from where the back of his chair hit it. He watched his legs as they remained suspended in the air, the moon illuminating them from behind and making them appear like silhouettes from where he lay. </p><p>Having writer’s block was the worst. What’s the point of having all the time in the world if you couldn’t write? </p><p>He was about to fall asleep defying physics when someone pounded on his door, interrupting his steady stream of noisy breathing. He reluctantly reoriented himself and walked to his door with unsteady steps, the blood that rushed to his head resumed their journey to the rest of his body.</p><p>The opposite side of the door revealed a vexed, green-faced creature in a matching dressing gown. </p><p>“What were you doing?” Tessa demanded, her arms crossed while her foot tapped incessantly.</p><p>“Trying to vanish from this earthly plane by sheer force of will.” Will deadpanned. “wait,” he said, realization dawning on him, “what did you think I was doing?” Tessa averted her eyes. A knowing grin grew on his face. Her red ears confirmed his suspicions. He watched, amused, as Tessa’s face mask started to drip faster, no doubt due to her warm face. </p><p>“Just- just keep quiet, okay?” she crossed her arms, trapping her hands to make sure they don’t go anywhere near her face. </p><p>“I would, but I can’t.” Will slumped against his doorway. Tessa peered around him, eyebrows quirking up at the sight of his chair on the floor along with his laptop. </p><p>“awww, writer’s block?” pouting through her face mask was a weird endeavor, and an even weirder sight. She stopped attempting to sympathize with him when she saw Will failing to discreetly purse his lips. </p><p>“any tips from my copy editor?” he clasped his hands together and fluttered his eyelashes, he got an unimpressed stare in reply. </p><p>“go to sleep.” Tessa uncrossed her arms, placing her hands on her hips. </p><p>“You know, I moved out of my parents’ for a reason.” Will said, dryly. </p><p>“Didn’t we all?” before Will could reply, she turned around and marched back to her flat, closing the door firmly because she knew he was watching. He shook his head and went back inside. </p><p>———————————-</p><p>Somehow, getting buried in his thoughts about writing, and about his writer’s block, coupled with his midnight bouts of delirium due to lack of sleep led him to forgetting the importance of the following day. That was, until the day itself came upon him and he woke up. </p><p>It was supposed to be their fifth anniversary. </p><p>Will stared up at his ceiling, unable to stop the memories of finding out about his death and his funeral from flooding his mind. In all fairness, Will didn’t feel paralyzed by despair, there was just a quiet and terrifying numbness that was certainly too heavy of an emotion to be feeling when the heat of the sun told him it was only close to midday. </p><p>Sometimes, Will felt like he hadn’t been grieving Jem enough, and today was one of those days. The familiar feeling of guilt crept in. Will buried his face on the pillow beside him, knowing that smothering his face won’t smother the rising lump in his throat. Tears pricked the corner of his eyes, and a dark rush of satisfaction shot through him — the knowledge that he was still miserable, and he’ll stay that way for a long time was an odd sort of justice for him. He shouldn’t move on, no matter what Jem would probably say. He can’t. Jem didn’t deserve to be forgotten. How do you move on from someone? Can Jem mean less to him the longer time separates them? Will shudders to think about the possibility. Was it inevitable that Jem will be left in the past? The love and happiness he felt the day they decided to be more than best friends seem so far away now, when it hadn’t been for three years after that day. </p><p>Will didn’t realize how cold he felt all over, despite the weighted blanket on him. His desperate grip on the pillow turned his knuckles white, and Church’s fluffy tail brought him back to the present. Away from the memories that cut deeper than shattered glass. It was probably time to feed the cat. Church never went near him unless he needed something from Will. </p><p>Will got up and shook his head, futilely hoping the physical act would shake off grief which gripped at his shoulders. </p><p>His movements were sluggish but he got the job done. Once Church was contentedly eating by the couch, he went to the bathroom, hoping a shower would screw his head on striaght. </p><p> </p><p>The door opened and steam followed Will out of the bathroom. His slippered feet padded across his flat. He was about to head towards the bedroom when he heard voices outside. </p><p>Now, Will was not one for gossip. He couldn’t care less about his neighbors, but one of the voices sounded familiar. A voice he hasn’t heard in months, alongside Tessa’s. An invisible hand squeezed his heart and he changed his course, jogging over to his door and throwing it open. </p><p>“Will!” He felt himself grin. </p><p>“Emma! I haven’t seen you in forever!” He surged forward to hug her, and it wasn’t until she pushed him away that he realized he was still undressed and wet, his hair dripping water down his body. His body, which decided to remember that it had nerve endings and reminded him that it was cold outside. A stark contrast to his very hot shower. He felt the goosebumps rise as Emma laughed at him. </p><p>“Miss me?” she teased. </p><p>“You know I do.” He squeezed her arm instead. He made to enter his flat again to get dressed when another person caught his eye. </p><p>“Good morning Tessa.” He greeted amiably, for his spirits had lifted at the sight of Emma, his second favorite Carstairs. </p><p>“Good morning Will.” Her eyes were narrowed and unblinking as she greeted him, her posture stiff and her words choked out. Will was too elated to notice. Emma was not. </p><p>“I was just talking to your new neighbor here.” Emma said. She gestured to Tessa, as if Will didn’t know which one of them was his neighbor. He nodded once, an eyebrow raised as if he was intrigued. He wasn’t. He knew Emma tended to be both outgoing and protective over him, especially in the months that followed Jem’s funeral. She was probably assessing if Tessa posed any threat. He doubted it, seeing as Tessa looked like she’d just woken up herself. Soft, open, and vulnerable in her night clothes that had tiny green stains on it. The reminder of the night before softened his smile as he closed the door on the women. </p><p> </p><p>“Oh, you’re not going in there. It’s a proper mess inside.” Will barricaded the door with his body. Emma looked at him with sympathy. </p><p>“I’m just going to greet Church” Emma said, easily ducking under his arms and terrorizing the dozing cat. </p><p>Will snorted as he looked back inside to see Emma chasing Church around the living room. “I don’t see why anyone would want to greet that cat.” He said. </p><p>A soft click brought his attention forward. It was Tessa, who looked more awake and wearing different clothes. </p><p>“Hey.” He raised a hand at her. Tessa looked at it before slapping her palm against his. His startled look made her laugh. </p><p>“Hey.” She said, making her way down their hall. </p><p>“Wait for us!” Emma called, pulling Will along. He resisted. Before she could object, he held up his keys and raised an eyebrow at her. She had the decency to appear sheepish before quickly getting over it and patting his arm. “Hurry up okay?” she said. Emma jogged to catch up to Tessa who was waiting for a lift. Will locked his door and followed at a leisurely pace, earning him an annoyed mock-glare from Emma as he entered the lift where they had been holding the open button for him. </p><p>“You’re so inconsiderate.” She shook her head at him, he didn’t miss the fond eye roll as she turned to use the mirror beside her. </p><p>“So Tessa, what are you up to?” Emma asked. Tessa seemed startled to be addressed, clearly she wasn’t as awake as Will had thought she was.</p><p>“Just picking up breakfast at the bakery downstairs.” She replied. She didn’t seem to notice Will staring at her lethargic smile that was broken by her yawning. He looked away before he started yawning himself. </p><p>“Wanna come with us?” Emma nudged Tessa with her shoulder. Will twisted around to look at Emma with an incredulous look on his face. </p><p>“I’m sorry, are you two friends now?” he asked. Emma waved a dismissive hand at him. </p><p>“We will be, now hush.” Emma answered. </p><p>“Not hush, stop bothering the nice lady Emma, she’s not your next mummy.” He jutted his chin out at her. Tessa let out a quiet laugh. </p><p>“Yes hush, I’m trying to make a friend!” the lift’s doors opened and Tessa slipped in between them. </p><p>“Maybe another time Emma.” She teasingly blew her a kiss and Emma was more than happy to play along. Will tossed his head back and stared at the ceiling, the smile growing on his face was unstoppable. He missed Emma. </p><p>—————————-</p><p>“Really, on a rare day off you want to go the gym? I haven’t brought spare clothes!” Emma kept her eyes on the road, the mishievious grin on her face was the only sign that told Will she heard him. </p><p>“Come on now, you missed me don’t you? I miss sparring with you.” She said, blindly reaching out to playfully hit Will. </p><p>“Of course, the perfect way to spend quality time. ‘I miss sparring with you Will, let me beat you up Will’ very lovely, very affectionate.” Will replied, mocking Emma with a falsetto voice as he went. It did nothing to deter her, it made her laugh instead. </p><p>“Don’t sell yourself short,” she said. “I’m sure ‘training’ with Jem made you into a formidable opponent.” They sat in silence then, for a while they were so caught up in catching up that they forgot. </p><p>Emma glanced at Will, worry marring her features. She didn’t mean to bring him up, she didn’t know how he’d react. It’d been bad during the immediate aftermath, but she’d been on another assignment since then, it was how she coped. She didn’t have the time to think about Jem, she barely had the time to miss him as well; she was too busy thinking about strategies and missing bullets. </p><p>Not Will though, he had all the time in the world to simmer in his grief. She glanced at him again. There was a faraway look in his eyes, as if remembering his training sessions with Jem and the things that followed. </p><p>“We did train though… like, actual training.” He said after a long pause. Emma huffed in response. </p><p>“I know.” She answered simply. The rest of the ride was spent in solitary silence. </p><p>——————————-</p><p>“Why did I let you pull me into that?” Will whined. “I reek now!” </p><p>Emma laughed, “It’s your fault for not bringing spare clothes.” She said.</p><p>“My fault?!” he sputtered. “How was I supposed to know you wanted to go to the gym? You didn’t tell me!” </p><p>“I also didn’t tell you we weren’t going to the gym.” She felt absurdly proud of herself. </p><p>“Wha- that doesn’t even- ” Will sighed in defeat. “You know what? It’s fine, it’s done.” He took a deep breath and exhaled.  </p><p>Emma nodded along “that’s the spirit!” she said. </p><p>Will pinched his shirt and fanned himself with it, hoping the air would dry his sweat and maybe reduce how gross he felt. They turned at a corner to a street where people sold street food. </p><p> </p><p>They settled down on a spot overlooking the pier. It was a fine day. The clouds covered the sun, and there was an incessant but gentle breeze about. He looked over at Emma, who was enjoying her stick of takoyakis, she had sauce at the corner of her mouth. </p><p>Will took a bite of his own food, his eyes trained on the docked and deserted yachts. Emma placed a hand on his knee. </p><p>“How are you?” she asked. </p><p>Will looked over at her. “I’m okay.” He replied, placing his hand above hers. </p><p>Emma knew what today was, and it was no coincidence that she decided to visit him today, even if she had just gotten back from an assignment. That was one reason why she had asked Julian to drop her off at Will’s instead of driving there herself. The desire for sleep was stronger than gravity, and it pulled at her eyelids, its grip on her sore limbs never faltered as well. Her desire to spend time with Will was stronger though, her fondness and worry for him overpowering her mortal need for rest. </p><p>Jem had been her favorite family member. Her remaining family member really, but the fact doesn’t diminish his merits. He had been there all her life. Had covered her ears and played tag with her when the news came of her parents’ gruesome deaths — an accident. Wrong place, wrong time —-  had been there when she was old enough to understand what happened and had felt horrible when she felt nothing. He stayed and took her in at 20 while in uni, when his parents died in a crash leaving her with no guardians once again at the age of 16. That was when she met Will. </p><p>Will didn’t bat an eye when they came to fetch her at the police station, didn’t question when Jem agreed to be her guardian with no hesitation. In fact, they took turns keeping her company in between classes. Will learned to cook for her, so they’d have healthy meals even when Jem was busy training to be part of the agency. Though he claimed it was because he’d gotten sick of the takeout, which had not been the case in the years before she came to live with them. </p><p>She was there when Will snapped and kissed Jem in a fit of rage when he found out a drug trafficker tried to seduce him during his assignment. She was the first to squeal and call takeout before they had the time to regret their actions. </p><p> </p><p>She looked over at him now, silently eating and contentment settled quite nicely on his handsome face. He looked well. Like a car that was slightly battered with pieces of leaves stuck to the mirrors, but well enough to travel between valleys, and well enough to cast light on the shadows the valleys created. </p><p>This was the first time she’d felt the loss of Jem with Will properly. Sitting in companionable silence with him where peace wrapped around them like a soft blanket. Acceptance. Knowing they’ll have to pick up the pieces of the shattered image they called their future. Because things have changed, and someone who they thought would be there with them was gone, someone who was essential to the image of the future they’ve envisioned. They’d been too distraught in the days that followed the news and the funeral, every minute was spent in a mad daze, trying to run from an invisible threat that was yet to come knocking on their doors but Emma wasn’t willing to sit around and wait. </p><p>Emma had to drag Will out of their home. Something she didn’t want to do, but they already took Jem, they can’t take Will too. Not if she can do anything about it. So she did something about it. Now Will is safe and on the mend. It’s everything she hoped for him. </p><p>She set her food down and scooted closer, laying her head on Will’s shoulder. His arm came around her as he kissed her head. The breeze died down and the sun started its descent, they stayed.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>not me skipping the gym scene because I have no idea how to write fighting scenes 😭 sorry! Hahah </p><p>confession time! I have no idea how to write witty remarks because I’m generally a corny person HAHAHAH also I could not help the shirtless moment I’m sorry I am but a human huhuuuu—  </p><p>also also, obviously in canon we couldn’t joke about Emma being an orphan because the death of her parents affected her greatly but in this story she just grew up without them and therefore didn’t have enough of a connection to them, so Will joking about her looking for parents was because they were close and their death didn’t impact her as hard as it did in canon. </p><p>So yea... anywayyy comments and kudos are always appreciated!</p><p>Come find me on tumblr! My writing blog is @sleepie-scribbles and my main is @sleepy-sendhelp</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Day Out</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I’ve wanted to write this update for a looong time but school’s just… it just gets in the way so much like, what a bitch ( also!! I know it’s late but s/o to user ‘A-Squirrel-For-Real’ I saw you commenting a lot and kudos-ing my other fics too and I felt so appreciated thank you so much I hope your food always tastes amazing 🥺 )</p><p>Also link for what I had in mind for Tessa’s dress! https://www.instagram.com/p/CJfj3rAnnDk/?igshid=1h95mhnq2c5w I couldn’t get the picture out of my head so I decided I might as well use it</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Will was by no means weak, but as he hauled the absolutely gigantic sack of cat food to his front door and felt the sweat soak his thin shirt, he thinks he definitely should’ve used a cart or something. </p><p>“Uh…” Will looked up to see Tessa by her door, her eyebrows raised and the unspoken question hung in the air between them. </p><p>“Look at you all dressed up, got any plans today?” he hoped she didn’t detect the way he spoke breathlessly. Truthfully his stomach is starting to cramp up from crouching down for too long. Damn Emma and her ideas for industrial sized cat food. </p><p>“Yeah actually, I’m off to meet Magnus.” She began creeping sideways, away from him and his sweaty, hunkered down form. “I’m running late so…” she eyed the sack warily and gave an awkward wave which he awkwardly returned in equal measures. </p><p>Will blew out a huge breath and rolled his sleeves up as soon as she disappeared into the lift. With a mighty grunt, he lifted the sack and kicked his door open. “I’m home!” he screamed over Church’s angry yowling. </p><p>——————————————</p><p>Tessa was greeted by colorful fabric and an ecstatic Magnus as soon as she entered the dainty boutique. </p><p>“Tessa!” Magnus waved his arm around, nearly smacking the tall man who stood beside him in the process. The man’s angular features sharpened more into a scowl at the near-miss. “Shake it off Ragnor.” Magnus said, patting Ragnor’s shoulder and shoving him backwards as he stepped forward to meet Tessa halfway. </p><p>“I’m Catarina, and that grumpy cat over there is Ragnor.” The woman with them approached her, her welcoming smile reaching her eyes. Tessa shook her hand eagerly. Ragnor nodded at her once and turned away to answer a call. </p><p>“He’s sweet I promise, he just needs time to warm up to you.” Catarina whispered conspiratorily into her ear. Tessa giggled. </p><p>“Is that why you called him a cat?” Catarina slung an arm around her shoulders. </p><p>“There you go, you get it!” </p><p>Magnus chuckled at seeing the two ladies bonding immediately. He ushered them to a rack filled with bright dresses made of lace. “While it’s nice to see you two clicking faster than magnetic puzzles, we have an agenda to fulfill.” </p><p>“Nothing too fancy please.” Tessa said, as Magnus pulled out a huge ballgown overflowing with scratchy looking lace. </p><p>“Why not?” Magnus pouted. </p><p>Tessa looked distastefully at the way the so-called dress appeared to be a bunch of washed out pink fabric that were hurriedly cinched together. “…I’m here on a budget?” </p><p>“For someone who claims to be a fashionista, you sure do know nothing about women’s clothing Magnus.” Catarina said, and winked at Ragnor who barked out a laugh. </p><p>“Well I’m not a woman, nor a fashion designer.” Magnus rebutted, crossing his arms. “In another life perhaps…” he sighed wistfully and pretended to look far off into an unknown distance. </p><p>“Whatever.” Ragnor grabbed Magnus by the shoulders. “You promised me coffee, and I still have heaps of papers to grade so you better wrap this up.” He steered Magnus towards the male section of the boutique. </p><p>Tessa’s last sight of them was Magnus veering the two of them off-course towards the skirts before Catarina linked their arms together and dragged her to the less colorful part of the store, which was really anywhere but where they were. </p><p>“Does Ragnor teach?” Tessa asked as she rifled through the rack of floor length dresses. Nothing had caught her eye yet. Everything was either too much, or not enough. All of the dresses were never quite right but she supposed that was the downside of renting. </p><p>“He does. He teaches quantum physics at Alicante University.” Tessa shoved aside the mountain of fabric before her to see Catarina looking intently at dresses with a soft smile on her face. Tessa made a mental note to ask Magnus about it sometime later. </p><p>“Wow, that sounds…” </p><p>“Nerdy?” Tessa looked over to see Catarina already looking at her, eyes filled with humor. </p><p>“Yeah. I feel dumb just hearing the course name.” Catarina slapped her shoulder lightly. “What about you? What do you do?” she asked after a short pause. </p><p>“I teach at the same university. Molecular Biology.” </p><p>“huh.” Tessa mused. Catarina emerged from the somewhere with a glittery dress. Tessa appraised it as they walked towards the fitting rooms.</p><p>“What?” she asked. </p><p>“Nothing. Magnus has some smart friends.” Catarina snorted. </p><p>“Not really. You should’ve seen us back in uni, we all ran around like headless chickens, living for the next day and the tests it held.” She shook her head. Tessa smiled fondly and wondered for a split second what it was like to have friends during such a hectic and confusing time of your life. </p><p>She ducked into a vacant room and sneezed from all the dust around. </p><p>She wouldn’t know the first thing about it. </p><p>Tessa jerked back as her phone vibrated. The unknown caller ID froze her thumb which was just moments away from pressing the answer button. The call ended before she had decided on anything. </p><p>Catarina rattled the curtain separating them. “Let me see!”</p><p>Tessa hurriedly stripped down and slipped into the figure hugging dress. “Wait!” she pulled back the curtains and saw Magnus in a bedazzled suit jacket with a ruffled Ragnor behind Catarina. </p><p>“Stunning!” Catarina exclaimed as she fussed over her. Tessa awkwardly placed her limbs out of the way, the feeling of such attentive hands was both familiar and foreign all the same. </p><p>Magnus squeezed himself beside her in the threshold of the fitting space. “Look at us! We’ll dazzle all those old people’s boots off!” </p><p>“Don’t you think its too shiny for an anniversary event? We don’t even own the company Magnus.” Tessa joked. Magnus clicked his tongue. </p><p>“Nonsense! It’s Pyxis Publishing’s eightieth year and Charlotte said it was a formal, white tie event. Who are we, but staunch followers of rules and dress codes?” Three pairs of eyes found their way to the bright red neck tie wound around Magnus’ neck. Magnus hissed. “Shut up, it’s fashion.” </p><p>Ragnor raised his hands in surrender as Catarina patted Magnus’ arm. “It sure is.” She said, not unkindly, but not entirely genuine either. </p><p>“Can we go now?” Ragnor whined. </p><p>——————————————</p><p>The paperbag containing her dress swung back and forth from its place on her arm as Tessa walked home. Her calves were cramping, she’d been tense since she parted ways with Magnus but she couldn’t stop. Not until she’d outwalked her paranoia, or whatever it was that seemed to be following her. </p><p>Her breathing quickened as she made a turn towards her street and contemplated if she should head straight home and lock herself in or try to lead whoever’s following her astray. She quickly glanced behind her again and heard the sound of shuffling feet. There was an empty street behind her. Most of her conscious refused to acknowledge the dark alley she just passed. </p><p>Tessa’s fists clenched tighter. Her eyes darted around, never resting on one place and letting her guard down. </p><p>“Miss!” Tessa flinched. She reluctantly turned to face the oddly colored vendor a few paces away from her. She approached him. </p><p>“You look like you could use some vegetables.” His eyes were unusually silver and obviously fake. It matched the shade of his dyed hair. </p><p>“What?” Tessa replied, still distraught. A ball of cabbage was gently placed into her hand. </p><p>“I was just closing up for the day.” The vendor said. He packed the rest of his vegetables in a compartment and took hold of the handle on the side of his cart. “Let’s go? I could walk with you home if you want miss, we could all use some company once in a while.” </p><p>Tessa contemplated between her unknown follower and the too-friendly vendor. Well, better the demons you can see, right? She nodded stiffly and their silent journey began. </p><p>“What’s your name?” Tessa asked. The streetlights were yet to switch on, and hopefully whatever name the seemingly well-meaning vendor gives would match something on the local police’s criminal record if worst came to worst. </p><p>They stopped in front of her building. The man’s face was open and held no sinister intentions under the darkening sky. </p><p>“Jian.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>boom! Hehe idk how to feel about this chapter but?? Whatever it’s my first proper multichap fic and I haven’t written non-school things in a while so… :((( anyway thank you for reading! comments and kudos are encouraged and very much appreciated! Also, come find me on tumblr, my writing blog is @sleepie-scribbles and my main is @sleepy-sendhelp &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Party, party!</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>party, party! — or is it???</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>time is a construct and I forgot to write that this chapter happened a few days after the last chapter. (also exam week is done! Yay!)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Oh, I’m so sorry sir!” Will clicked his tongue at the mess. The party had barely started and he was already sticky with champagne. His deep blue eyes were met with pale ones as he looked up. The waiter looked ready to breakdown, and a job at a party was no place for that.</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t worry about it.” Will said, letting it slide. There was nothing they could do about it now except fuss over the dry cleaning bill and extended rent fee. He closed his suit jacket over the stain.</p><p> </p><p>“Really? Thank you s—” Will briefly noticed his American accent before cutting him off.</p><p> </p><p>“Yes, yes. Just be careful, other guests aren’t as forgiving as I.” he hurried over to the restrooms and hoped he could remedy the wet patch before it turns into a stain. He’d never hear the end of it from Cecily if he didn’t. His ears were still ringing, his whole day filled with nagging as his sister scolded him for forgetting to prepare for this stupid event while helping him look for a proper attire. He hadn’t even planned to attend.</p><p> </p><p>The heavy restroom door opened to reveal Magnus touching up on his makeup inside. Will nodded once and proceeded to pull out tissues from the dispenser.</p><p> </p><p>“What’s wrong with you?” Magnus asked, taking out an egg shaped <em>something </em>and dabbing it on his face. Will unbuttoned his jacket as he ran water over the tissues.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh dear.” Magnus said as soon as he saw the stain. He handed him the hand soap. “you’re supposed to put soap on it.” Will muttered his thanks and followed the advice.</p><p> </p><p>“Not that much!” Will jumped as Magnus took over.</p><p> </p><p>“If you wanted to touch me and get me wet, you should’ve just— ow!”</p><p> </p><p>“I have a boyfriend you idiot.” Will picked the bits of tissue that stuck to his shirt.</p><p> </p><p>“Yes, one who looks suspiciously like me. Where did you find him again?” Will flinched as Magnus flicked water on his face and dabbed on his shirt with a new set of tissues.</p><p> </p><p>“We met at the London Eye.” Magnus grumbled. “There you go.” They both straightened up.</p><p> </p><p>“Thanks.” Will said, forgoing the next remark he was about to poke. Magnus patted his shoulder.</p><p> </p><p>They existed the restroom together and came face to face with Tessa.</p><p> </p><p>“You clean up well.” Will greeted, refusing to look lower than her face lest she do the same and take notice of the wet patch on his torso.</p><p> </p><p>“So do you.” Tessa replied. “What happened to your clothes? I’m sure your sister wouldn’t be too happy about that.”</p><p> </p><p>“Damnit.” Will whispered. Magnus made an interested noise.</p><p> </p><p>“You’ve met Cecily?” Magnus asked.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh is that her name? I haven’t, but I could hear them bickering all the way to my apartment.” Tessa shrugged.</p><p> </p><p>“Typical.” Magnus said. “What did Will do?”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s not my fault!” Will looked up from fussing over his clothes. He resented the disbelieving glance from Magnus.</p><p> </p><p>“He didn’t bother looking for clothes because he didn’t plan to attend.” Magnus hummed.</p><p> </p><p>“That make sense.” He told Tessa, as if Will wasn’t just right beside him. Will was drilling holes into Magnus’ temple but the latter didn’t seem to notice. Or care. “I knew he didn’t want to go which was why I told Cecily.” Will gaped at him.</p><p> </p><p>“Traitor!” Will accused. Magnus scoffed and brushed him off.</p><p> </p><p>“Anyway, I’m off.” Will couldn’t let him take his leave just like that.</p><p> </p><p>“To screw my clone?” he called. Magnus raised his middle finger behind his back, not bothering to even turn around. Will’s attention was diverted to Tessa’s snickers. He sighed and offered his arm to her.</p><p> </p><p>“You don’t know anyone else, and I don’t want to mingle with anyone else. We’re a match made in heaven.” His exaggerated grin crinkled his eyes and he missed Tessa’s surprise at such a declaration. She rolled her eyes and linked their arms together.</p><p> </p><p>————————————————————</p><p> </p><p>“William!” Will turned around and dragged Tessa with him at the sound of a familiar voice.</p><p> </p><p>“Henry! I’m surprised to see you here.” They clasped hands and held on for a while. Will took a moment to take the other man in; he looked well. A warmth in his stomach told him he missed his old friend.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m surprised to see you here as well, it feels like I haven’t seen you in a year!”</p><p> </p><p>“You haven’t!” Will replied with the same glee that Henry’s voice held. A firm object hit the back of his head. Soon, Charlotte was standing beside her husband.</p><p> </p><p>“Hello,” Henry greeted amiably. “are you Will’s girlfriend?” Everyone’s eyes widened.</p><p> </p><p>“Darling that’s Tessa Gray. Our new copy editor. Didn’t I tell you all about her?” Charlotte had an apologetic look on her face as she nodded at Tessa who inched away from Will at the honest mistake. Will didn’t let her hand unwrap from his elbow.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sure you did, darling. It probably went over my head, you know how I am.” Charlotte’s apologetic countenance turned fond when she looked at Henry to assure him. Will snorted.</p><p> </p><p>“Whipped.” He whispered to Tessa. She dug her nails into his arm. He didn’t miss Charlotte’s unamused glance.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry for the mistake Miss Gray.” Henry reached out a hand to her. Tessa met him halfway.</p><p> </p><p>“No, it’s alright. It’s nice to finally meet you. Charlotte talks about you a lot.” Tessa said, shaking Henry’s hand rapidly and ignoring Charlotte’s affronted scoff. Henry’s beam made the light jab at her boss worth it though; he looked like pure, unadultered, wholesomeness. Tessa didn’t know what it was, but she was willing to place her bet on his kind eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“As she should.” Henry replied, redirecting his beam to Charlotte who tilted her head up and refused to look at her husband. Henry wrapped an arm around her hips and rested his head on her stomach. It was enough to melt Charlotte’s charade.</p><p> </p><p>Will snatched a flute of champagne that was passing by. Tessa elbowed him lightly.</p><p> </p><p>“You said you were driving home.” She hissed in his ear. The low laugh he let out irritated her more.</p><p> </p><p>“I can hold my liquor. This isn’t even intoxicating.” He whispered back, tilting his face and angling their faces close to each other. Tessa felt heat prickling at the back of her neck. She was very much aware of Charlotte and Henry nearby. Will’s hooded eyes contradicted his statement.</p><p> </p><p>“Anyway, I’m sorry for the mistake.” Henry continued talking, appearing not to have noticed anything. “It’s just that you two look—” Charlotte coughed. “I haven’t seen Will within five feet of someone since last year.” Henry caught himself, smiling innocently as he did.</p><p> </p><p>Last year seemed to mark <em>something </em>within the group of people she’d found herself with, Tessa noticed. It also seemed that Will might be in the middle of it all. She knew not to pry, but couldn’t help the curiosity. She grabbed a flute that passed by and ignored Will’s raised eyebrow.</p><p> </p><p>“Yes, I agree, we do look charming together.” Will said. He pulled Tessa closer. Tessa blinked and took a sip of her champagne. She found that Will’s warmth was tolerable, even in the uncomfortable heat of the packed ballroom. “Though I do think you should stick to wires and machines Henry, there’s no need to put Cupid out of business.” He added. He grinned at the resulting laughs.</p><p> </p><p>Tessa let her gaze wander, leaving the three to chat amongst themselves. There were so many people around, and there were just as many hired staff. She felt her hand on Will tighten. She always felt uncomfortable in parties and crowds as huge as this. There were too many unfamiliar faces, too many threats. She fought the urge to lower her eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“Tessa.”</p><p> </p><p>“Hmm?” Tessa turned and jerked her head back just as fast. Will’s face was so close. “What is it?”</p><p> </p><p>“Are you alright?” he worried. “You don’t appear to be enjoying yourself.”</p><p> </p><p>“No,” Tessa assured him, her voice hoarse all of sudden. “it’s the crowd. I’m feeling overwhelmed is all.” Her speech tapered off into a whisper. Something felt wrong but she couldn’t tell if it was real or if dredging up old memories made her feel backed into a corner once again.</p><p> </p><p>She closed her eyes and clutched on to the flute for dear life. Hyperaware of the sloshing champagne inside it and its weight in her hand. Someone was tugging on her, coaxing her to move but she couldn’t. She couldn’t. She was rooted to the floor just as she always was. There was no escape, no refuge, no peace. Hands that held her all her life grabbed for her neck, for her life. She was nothing more than something to—</p><p> </p><p>“Tess. Tess.” Warm breath brushed over forehead and she suddenly felt the chill of the open air. Tessa opened her eyes. She was on a balcony with Will. She was in England. Away from a place she never called home.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m okay.” She said quietly. She doubted he bought it, but she was grateful for his silence nonetheless.</p><p> </p><p>There was silence between them. If it weren’t for their breaths fogging up the gap between them Tessa doubted she’d take notice of the warm hands rubbing circles on her bare shoulders. She froze.</p><p> </p><p>This all felt very intimate. Was there any rules against this? Was she reading into things again?</p><p> </p><p>“Tessa, are you okay? You’re tensing up again.” Will murmured. Tessa took a sip of her surprisingly intact drink. She nodded.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m just cold.” Immediately there was a warm coat over her shoulders. She nodded her gratitude. The hands resumed above the coat. Tessa forced herself to relax. It was Will. Silly Will who goes outside his apartment dripping wet with only a towel on and an ecstatic smile. He won’t hurt her.  </p><p> </p><p>“Do you want to talk about it?” Will asked after a pregnant pause. Tessa looked into his eyes. He was a nice neighbor and a decent author. They were casual acquaintances with maybe some hidden common ground. A party was hardly the place for a heart to heart. Especially not on a freezing balcony.</p><p> </p><p>“Not tonight.” She found herself saying. She didn’t know if he’d take it as a promise, or if he’ll forget about it by tomorrow. She didn’t know how she wanted him to take it either.</p><p> </p><p>Will’s stomach broke the next bout of silence between them.</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll go grab us food.” He excused himself sheepishly. Tessa smiled and shook the rest of the cobwebs out of her mind.</p><p> </p><p>————————————————————</p><p> </p><p>“How’s Tessa?”</p><p> </p><p>“Jesus!” Will jumped, barely keeping the plates of food in his hands upright. He glared at an unapologetic Magnus.</p><p> </p><p>“I agree that I’m definitely savior material, but I’m afraid I can’t rock a beard quite as well as he does.” Will busied himself with grabbing more pastries.</p><p> </p><p>“She’s fine now.” He said after a moment. “Where’s Alec?”</p><p> </p><p>“Family emergency. Isabelle set her kitchen on fire.” Magnus dismissed. “It happens fairly regularly.”</p><p> </p><p>“Ah.” Will nodded.</p><p> </p><p>“So Tessa’s okay?”</p><p> </p><p>“Good god!” If Will could, he would have placed a hand over his poor heart. Charlotte was standing beside him, an equally short woman beside her with flaming red hair like Henry’s.</p><p> </p><p>“Charlotte you didn’t tell me you had a child— ow! I’m holding food!”</p><p> </p><p>“She’s my cousin.” Charlotte explained. The woman held out a hand for him and retracted it when she remembered how occupied his hands were. She appeared to be about Emma’s age.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m Clary.” She waved instead.</p><p> </p><p>“Will.” He nodded. “Yes, very common name but trust me, I’m very much <em>not</em> common. Just ask Charlotte.” He said in response to her surprised look.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh no— that’s not—”</p><p> </p><p>“Can I have two of those?” Magnus drowned the poor girl out as he loudly called for the waiter that Will recalled had spilled the drinks on him earlier. The waiter seemed to have recognized him as well as he drew near to their group, his face turning meek at the sight of Will.</p><p> </p><p>His hair was strikingly fair, the blond strands further washed off of color by the bright yellow lights. He seemed familiar for some reason, but Will was pretty sure he’d never met this man before.</p><p> </p><p>Will shook his head and made for the balcony he left Tessa on. The trip to the food station was short but going back felt like a longer trip for some reason. That wasn’t logically sound, Will knew. Maybe it was because the place somehow became more crowded in the short while he went outside with Tessa. Maybe because he kept catching snippets of conversation, like how another member of the parliament died under mysterious circumstances for the third time this month. He couldn’t help it. He had ears, he was a listener. Always on the lookout for inspiration.</p><p> </p><p>Tessa and her glittery dress came into his view like the light at the end of the packed and sweaty tunnel.</p><p> </p><p>Will placed the plates on the thick railings of the balcony before sighing in relief and wiping at his forehead comically. Tessa’s tiny giggle was worth the stupid crowd and its disgusting atmosphere of mixed perfumes.</p><p> </p><p>“My hero.” She declared humorously, after which she took a piece of french toast and bit into it, tearing off half the bread. He bowed.</p><p> </p><p>“It was my pleasure.” He said, imitating the posh and practiced accents of English actors. Tessa nearly choked on her bread. Will pretended to be upset with her after checking that she was fine.</p><p> </p><p>“That was a great impression.” Tessa exhaled. Will gave her the side-eye. Tessa pressed her shoulder against him and cooed. “This opens up so many avenues! You could be an actor on the side or something.” She leaned closer when Will grumbled out something.</p><p> </p><p>“What was that?”</p><p> </p><p>“Nothing.”</p><p> </p><p>“Not nothing. That was clearly something.” She faced him fully now. “Come on, come on, tell me.” He couldn’t dodge her insistent pokes.</p><p> </p><p>“Fine, fine!” he swatted her hands away and took a deep breath.</p><p> </p><p>“…I had a phase.” He clamped up immediately at her gleeful gasp. “Alright, alrigh—”</p><p> </p><p>Tessa threw her head back and laughed. Sure, she was laughing at the prospect of Will as an actor, but it was the most free that she had been all night and she was more radiant than her dress. Will was transported a few years back. To a different balcony and a different person who also threw their head back and laughed their heart out at the prospect of him as an actor. A different person who bared their neck, who had been beautiful as well, and had trusted Will enough to be vulnerable in their happiest and most troubled moments.</p><p> </p><p>He looked up at the stars and forced his throat not to close up. As he waited for Tessa’s giggles and hiccups to subside, he realized something.</p><p> </p><p>Will’s stomach may have been empty, but his heart was full.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>finished this at 2 am hihi — thank you for reading! comments and kudos are encouraged and very much appreciated! Also, come find me on tumblr, my writing blog is @sleepie-scribbles and my main is @sleepy-sendhelp &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. In On It</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Tessa knows.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>uh… language warning? Just unbelievably minimal swearing I swear!!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Hmm? Oh, shit.” Tessa looked down to find that she’d cut her finger with her brand new knife, shiny and glinting with a sharp promise. It wouldn’t have been a problem, if not for the blood that was all over the cabbage. Tessa exhaled, she didn’t have the patience for this. She should just order something and put it in a tupperware, pretend she made it and all that. Of course, then she’d have to pick a mediocre place so they don’t expect too much from her in regards with kitchen matters.</p><p>Did she even have to pretend? Would they mind if she didn’t cook the food herself? She’s sure they wouldn’t, but having friends — prosepective friends? Or was being friends through association the same thing? — was new to her. Maybe she should exaggerate how much the cut hurt over the phone, so she’d have an excuse not to meet with Magnus and his friends today. She knew people needed social lives, but there could be exceptions right? Being new at something she should have gotten the hang of in her teen years is embarrassing. It wasn’t her fault of course, she didn’t exactly have the picture perfect childhood that all the kids in her year had, but still.</p><p>The ruckus at her door broke Tessa’s train of thought. She opened it to find Will outside, frantic.</p><p>“What’s wrong?” she asked.</p><p>“Something is burning is what’s wrong!” Will exclaimed. Tessa felt herself perk up, alertness fully pulling her out of her mind.</p><p>“Where?” she asked, already mentally prioritizing what she should run out of the building with.</p><p>“Here!” Will pushed past her, quite rudely if anyone asked, and she was left to stare at him — agog — as he put out the fire in her kitchen that she didn’t even know was raging on.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Tessa stared at the smoking mess as Will moved to open the windows.</p><p>“Mind telling me what that’s all about?” Will gestured towards the kitchen. He had a light grin on his face, something that should have annoyed Tessa because she just <em>knows </em>he’s making assumptions about her ineptitude in the kitchen. He’s probably right, and somehow she finds herself not at all annoyed. Just embarrassed. Really embarrassed.</p><p>“Well I don’t think I need to say anything.” Will stayed silent, still with the grin on his face, still waiting on an explanation.</p><p>“I tried cooking because Magnus invited me over for a get together with his friends. There, I said it.” Tessa dragged herself to the couch and flopped down on it.</p><p>“Why?” Will asked. His eyes travelled downwards. “You’ve got a cut.” he noticed.</p><p>“Hmm?” Tessa suddenly remembered what brought on her bout of absentmindedness, the same one that almost burned her place down. “Oh, yeah I forgot about that.”</p><p>“How?” Will asked, exasperation seeping into his voice. Who knew Tessa was so clumsy? He didn’t, of course. They hadn’t really talked since the party, their drive back home quiet and full of underlying uncertainties. Their time at the balcony was a little too intimate for new acquaintances. If it wasn’t for the burning kitchen, they probably wouldn’t have been having such a lengthy conversation right now. “And why, pray tell, are you using an expensive and very sharp knife if you don’t know how to cook anyway?”</p><p>“That’s a bit of a reach.” Tessa retorted. “I have the knife because I need it. I know I don’t seem like a masterchef to you but I do know how to slice things, contrary to your seemingly already formed opinion about my culinary prowess.”</p><p>“So defensive.” he teased. “Where’s your medical kit?”</p><p>Tessa carelessly gestured in the general area of the bathroom, apparently buried deep in her thoughts. Will headed towards the bathroom to rummage around her cabinets. Someone had to clean that cut and it’s not looking like Tessa’s doing it anytime soon.</p><p>“You know,” Will said, reemerging in the living room and kneeling down to be level with Tessa’s injured hand. “I’m sure they wouldn’t mind take out. I’ve met them, they’re not weird or judgemental.” Tessa didn’t even flinch as he applied antispetic on the cut. “Except for Ragnor probably.” he added, successfully wrapping a band aid around her finger. He looked up to find Tessa’s brows furrowed in worry.</p><p>“It’s just- ” she sighed, and Will didn’t know why, but he hated that helpless look on her face.</p><p>Should Tessa really be confiding in Will? They’d barely talked since the party. Were they even friends? They haven’t exactly spent a lot of time together, it was usually small talk by their doors, or back and forth email correspondence about his ongoing book; a generic novel about love, only made remarkable by Will’s writing style.</p><p> </p><p>Except, beggars can’t be choosers and Will’s the only person she’d spent enough time with to even remotely call a ‘friend’. <em>Oh well,</em> Tessa thought. <em>Here goes nothing. </em></p><p>“I’m nervous. I’m the new one in town, and having to make all that effort to build connections again..” Tessa trailed off, her lips pursed. “I don’t know. I’m not cut out for all that socializing.” she shrugged. She never used to care about what people thought of her, having other problems in the forefront of her mind, and now that she had the mental bandwidth for it... it felt like groping for nothing in the dark. She’d never been so lost.</p><p>“Well it’s your fault,” Will replied. “for moving to a new continent. You know, leaving your comfort zone and all that.”</p><p>Tessa tried not to scowl too much. She wouldn’t exactly call her life in America comfortable, but Will didn’t know that.</p><p>“Whatever.” was all she said in response. “I’ll just order takeout.” The phone she whipped out was snatched from her hands. She inhaled sharply, eyes threatening and hand held out for her phone.</p><p>“No.” Will said.</p><p>He didn’t know what he was doing. Maybe it’s because he hadn’t cooked in a while and saw this as an opportunity. To cook. Opportunity to cook.</p><p>“I know how to cook.” he said. “how about I help you out? It could be fun, and way less expensive.”</p><p>“I don’t care.” Tessa rolled her eyes. “I’d rather just pay for food.”</p><p>“No, come on. Cooking is an important skill to have! It’s tedious at first, but it gets better and you get healthier, and— ”</p><p>“Can’t I just sit here and be pretty?”</p><p>“Absolutely not.” Will replied indignantly. “Everyone knows that I’m the pretty one.”</p><p>“Are you sure?” Tessa found the haughty look on his face amusing for some reason.</p><p>“Of course.”</p><p> </p><p>Silence.</p><p> </p><p>“Why do you even care? It’s just food.” Tessa didn’t understand why he was so adamant about it, he wasn’t even invited.</p><p>“I- I don’t know.” he admitted. “I guess, I haven’t cooked for some time now and I thought it’s be a great way to…” what? bond with her? he shook his head. <em>What an absurd thought. </em>It’s been a while since he cooked, for or with someone. He could invite Cecy and Em, he didn’t have to bother Tessa over his sudden desire to ingratiate himself back into civilization.  “Nevermind, you’re right. I’ll take my leave.” he turned around and took out his phone, pulling up the messaging app.</p><p>“Wait.” why did he have to look so sad? Why did his stupid shoulders have to look so hunched over and disappointed? She’d never seen him look so unsure of himself, and the vulnerable way he doubted himself pulled at her heartstrings. She was human, and she wasn’t one to resist a pretty face. If she could make him smile by letting him play around in her kitchen, then it’s a nice act to add to her karma. Paying it forward or whatever.</p><p>He spun back around, trying not to appear too interested or hopeful or whatever it is those pressed lips were trying to hide. Tessa sighed at herself. “You’ll have to do most of the cooking.” was all she said, in a tone that was trying too hard to be grudging. How could she be grudging when his back straightened like that over a few words?</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I learned to cook for Emma.” Will said out of the blue. It had been a solitary affair, their tiny cooking lesson, but cooking apparently opened him up better than exhaustion late at night. He’d usually be silent then, but there was something about making something with someone in the kitchen. It sounded awfully like he romanticized the act of cooking, but he had a pass; he was a writer after all.</p><p>“Yeah?” Tessa couldn’t keep her eyes off the way he moved around the space, sure movements and a quiet confidence that spelled out how much he knew what he was doing. It was mesmerizing, and so different from his usual cocky gait.</p><p>“She moved with us, when she was sixteen. I had an epiphany in class. She was a growing child and she needed good food, not takeout from the nearest fast food joint.” she didn’t know who ‘us’ was, but he looked lost in memory and Tessa decided to let him tell the story at his own pace. In her mind’s eye, she saw Will — younger, not so different from how he looked now, but maybe with less muscle? — with teenage Emma, young and on her way to growing into herself, but not quite there yet.</p><p>“I started with vegetables that she refused to eat.” he would have been young too, but his  soft smile and the proud way he’d say Emma’s name made Tessa think that the tiny age gap didn’t matter at all; he made room for her,  grown up some more for her, and helped raised her into the strong person she was today. It made Tessa’s heart swell for some reason, being in the presence of such love. She wondered how that felt like. To be loved. To be treated with much care and fondness like Will does when he remembers such cherished moments in time.</p><p>“Thank god youtube exists.” he choked out. No one acknowledged his watery eyes; Tessa had a feeling that there was more to the memory than he let on, but it was his story and she was only here to listen. Still, a reluctant hand of hers stretched out and hovered over his shoulder.</p><p>“Sorry,” he said lightly. “I’m bumming out this whole area aren’t I?” he added something to the simmering pot, but she hardly paid attention to it. He put a lid over the pot and walked the short distance to stand next to her.</p><p>“No, it’s okay.” she smiled at him, hoping she’d convince him of her sincerity. A show of vulnerability was so rare and so beautiful to behold, she couldn’t believe he’d feel bad about it. It was like seeing him, actually seeing Will, in his entirety. The night at the balcony was a glimpse, but now it felt like his heart was open to her, and the quiet wonder that came with it was something she wasn’t ready to let go of yet.</p><p>Their eyes locked, and his were glowing; lit with something that made her breath catch. Were their faces inching closer? Tessa’s lids were being pulled close by an invisible force, telling her there was no use resisting. <em>It’s invetiable, </em>it told her.</p><p> </p><p>And then it wasn’t.</p><p>They stopped, inches from each other. She was like the tides, compelled and under the control of the moon before her, shiny blue eyes clouded with something that wasn’t quite like pain.</p><p>“I’m sorry.” her moon whispered, guilt lacing his thin voice as his warmth delicately fanned over her face. Just like that, what would be her first kiss, didn’t happen.</p><p>He inched away, just a tad bit, but Tessa felt chills from the lack of proximity. Unseen walls were half built between them, she could feel it. The feeling of a distance between her and someone physically close was a familiar kind of dread.</p><p>“There’s someone,” Will started, Tessa cut him off.</p><p>“You don’t owe me an explanation.” better to gain some semblance of control than let it all wash over her. It’ll all be lies anyway. “I understand.”</p><p>Will shook his head. “No you don’t, but I want you to.”</p><p>She stayed where she was, watching his throat bob as he swallowed, waiting on something that felt like the last puzzle piece to the memory he shared; an ill-timed move in her opinion, but what did she know?</p><p>“There <em>was </em>someone.” It was hard not to sympathize, how he squeezed his eyes shut called her bluff of the nonchalant façade she was on her way to building. “Jem Carstairs. He was Emma’s cousin, and he took her in when his parents died. Emma’s parents had long been dead.” His arms bulged, muscles tense because of his clenched fist that tremored ever so slightly.  </p><p>She remained silent, ears and heart open for the suffering man before her.</p><p>“He was,” another gulp. “my everything.”</p><p>“Was?” she asked, not particularly eager to hear the answer.</p><p>“He died last year during a shoot out, when they arrested the Morgensterns.” So that was what <em>‘last year’ </em>meant.</p><p>“Oh, Will.” she said softly, reaching out for him, not hesitating this time as she grabbed his hand and caressed the back of it with her thumb. “I’m sorry.” he nodded numbly.</p><p>Everything felt halted until Will took in a deep breath. He turned off the stove, briefly touched Tessa’s arm with his knuckles, and left.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thank you for reading! comments and kudos are encouraged and very much appreciated! Also, come find me on tumblr, my writing blog is @sleepie-scribbles and my main is @sleepy-sendhelp &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Indelible</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>huh... a bit short but y’know, gotta get that story moving amirite</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“You look haunted.” Emma greeted as Will closed the door.</p><p>“Thanks.” he replied, tired. He slid down the door and brought his knees up, cradling his head in his hands. Emma and Cecily looked at each other, unspoken worry as clear as day.</p><p>“What’s wrong?” Cecily asked. Will blinked.</p><p>“What are you two doing here?” It seemed to dawn on him that there were other people present in his home.</p><p>“You texted.” Emma answered. “We’ve been waiting here, thinking you were out buying your ingredients but I guess that’s not what happened is it?” she tried not to sound like she pitied him too much, but his spirits hadn’t been so down in a while. It felt like a step back into the darkness of Will’s grief when they’d only just begun to recover.</p><p>“Right.” he muttered. “Can we order take out instead?”</p><p>“Okay.” Cecily was quick to reply. It was better than asking them to leave him alone. If Will wanted company, she knew they’d stay as long as he needed them. It was a first, in the entirety of Will’s sturggle with Jem’s death.</p><p>Cecily saw Emma take out her phone and head to the kitchen, where the handful of take out pamphlets were pinned to the fridge. Meanwhile, Will was still unmoving on the floor. That put Cecily in a dilemma.</p><p>On one hand, the look on her brother’s face definitely meant that something happened — the kind you needed to talk about. On the other, she knew Will would never give in to prying and his stubbornness will only prompt him to close off further. Cecily supposed he’d get up when it’s time to open the door. In the meantime, she’ll sit beside him and be on her phone.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I almost kissed Tessa.” Emma choked on her noodles.</p><p>Whatever Emma had planned to say in return vanished from her mind as soon as she saw Will’s miserable face. She met Cecily’s eyes over his head. <em>That’s what happened.</em></p><p>“I don’t think Jem would have minded.” was what Emma said instead. It probably wasn’t much help, and she knew she would be just as bad if she were in Will’s shoes. Still, someone had to say it aloud.</p><p>“I know.” Will muttered, setting his bowl of food on the coffee table. He stared blankly at the mindless program playing on the telly. “<em>I </em>mind though. That shouldn’t have happened. I don’t know what to do next.”</p><p>“Take her out to dinner.” Cecily shrugged, nonchalant on the outside but coiled up on the inside, ready to defend herself knowing that Will would balk.</p><p>“You’re not serious.” Will was incredulous, he knew she was purposefully glossing over the reason he’s freaking out about this.</p><p>“I agree.” Emma said. “Do you think she likes Mexican? I know a place, romantic as hell.”</p><p>“No!”</p><p>“No as in she wouldn’t like Mexican food or— ” Will cut her off with a glare.</p><p>“No as in you’re both crazy to even suggest this.” he slumped lower down the couch. “I can’t.”</p><p>“You can’t, because you won’t let yourself do it. It’s okay to move on Will.” Cecily put her food down the table as well, facing her brother with a stern but loving look. “It’s okay to let go of Jem, it doesn’t mean you love him less. Your shouldn’t stop living because you’re not the one who’s dead.”</p><p>Will flinched. Cecily put a hand on his arm, knowing how much her words hurt, but knowing that they needed to be said as well.</p><p>“Tessa isn’t attracted to me.” he finally spoke, hoping to get Cecily and Emma off the idea that he needed a date to forget about Jem. As if a night out could erase a lifetime’s worth of love and memories.</p><p>“I wouldn’t be quick to say that.” Emma rebutted. “You’re attractive Will,” she pressed on, ignoring Cecily’s grimace. “and Tessa’s certainly not blind. She would have slapped you away if she didn’t want to kiss you earlier.”</p><p>“Well I don’t think using someone to move on from the love of my life is very nice.” he knew how pathetic it sounded, but he was grasping at straws, fighting to stay in his page and away from the next and empty chapter of his life.</p><p>“We’re not telling you to use her, you know we’re not <em>Gwilym</em>. Your need to let your heart begin healing, because that pain in you will only paralyze you further. How many years will you let your grief take from you? You must know that it breaks our hearts to see you like this, don’t you?” Cecily’s hand on his arm gripped his shoulder, squeezing with intent to push her words onto him, to make sure he listened.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Hours after the women left, Will was still awake and staring up at the ceiling. He knew their hearts were in the right place but it was futile to try and ignore, let alone forget, an indelible mark. That was what Jem is. Indelible.</p><p>He didn’t know it then, but Jem had owned him from the first time their eyes met. When he accidentally tripped and sat on Jem’s sandcastle trying to run from a dog. They’d been young then. Tiny faces unmarred by life’s twists and turns, shining and bright with sticky chipped grins.</p><p>Down the years Jem had made a place in his heart, it was no wonder a year after his death that Will still had a gaping hole in his chest. Still, he knew Emma and Cecily meant well.</p><p>Tessa was not only outwardly attractive, he knew she was brilliant — the way her eyes and tongue were always sharp, the way she held herself; comfortable in her skin and brave like he wasn’t. There was a hidden strength in her, the one which compelled her to move to the other side of the world. There must be a story behind it. There was a woman who didn’t hesitate to do what she needed to. Whatever courage in her that compelled her to uproot her life and move forward was something he definitely lacked. Though he knew love and romance was built and not deserved, he still felt unsteady on his feet.</p><p>In another life perhaps, if he hadn’t crushed that sandcastle with his bum, he might have found himself falling madly in love with a woman like Tessa.</p><p>He sighed and turned on the other side of the bed. Church was sound asleep by the window, his bed lying useless on the floor. It had been for a year.</p><p>He wasn´t much different from Church´s bed, if one thought about it. A horrible thought, but frighteningly accurate.</p><p>Would he have to peel his skin off to even try and regain a semblance of a stable life without Jem in it? Would Jem prove to be not so indelible one day?  He knew it wouldn’t be the case. Not anytime soon. A tiny voice in the back of his head whispered what he was afraid to admit.</p><p>He didn’t want to stop suffering and missing Jem.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thank you for reading! comments and kudos are encouraged and very much appreciated! Also, come find me on tumblr, my writing blog is @sleepie-scribbles and my main is @sleepy-sendhelp &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>YAY! A multuchap fic that I’m very excited about! Inspired by an old original work that I cringed at so bad that I decided to redo it and use it for the ultimate ot3! Don’t worry that was years ago and I like to think that I write better now — care to either disprove or support my statement by the comments? HAHAHAHAH</p><p> </p></blockquote></div></div>
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